Wanted: Plaintiffs for Frivolous Fracking Publicity Stunt

Marcellus Drilling News And World Report

Binghamtom, New York April 1, 2014 Exclusive:

The Joint Landowners Coalition of New York (JLCNY), pronounced “jlcny,” a 703-member (counting kids, cats, dogs, cows, bats, ancestors, and Invisible Friends) umbrella stand of an organization for New York landowners, landmen, shale shills, and other assorted misfits, interested in leasing their property for natural gas drilling to any fracking company with a smooth sales pitch, announced yesterday they will move forward as one quivering mucilaginous mass with a lawsuit against New York State on behalf of their members, and the fracking lobbyist that are paying the bills. The group has decided to litigate in light of the now lately expired Feb. 27 deadline to adopt new rules to allow high volume hydraulic fracturing (also known by normal people as fracking) in the state. We spoke to Dan Fitzsimmons, president of the JLCNY and a charter member of The Hair Club for Men. “We have to sue somebody, I mean we have to stay relevant, don’t we, as plaintiffs ?” said he, plaintively. “We thought it might as well be the entire State of New York.”

Feeling they are left with no other alternative short of mass suicide with a tanker load of frack fluid, the JLCNY will select several representative plaintiffs for the lawsuit that, presuming they actually file one, would serve as a precedent for all landowners in the state to make the same claim. Or not. The JLCNY hope to be joined in this action by other groups including Fracoholics Anonymous, Norse Rent-a-Plaintiffs, The Frack Flak Federation, and The Law Office of Tom West.

The basis of the lawsuit is a really complicated legal concept called “talkings,” which we don’t really understand very well, but that has something to do with the law. Or free speech. Which is why it’s called a “talkings” lawsuit. Because you talk about it. The U.S. and New York State Constitutions both say government cannot deny a citizen the right to talk about their right to frack anywhere, anytime, under any circumstances. So long as they frack on their own property. Unless the property is not zoned for the particular use in question, which in this case is fracking. Or if there actually happens to be a statewide moratorium on the activity, such as, for instance, fracking. But the JLCNY’s paid attorney Scott Krockoski tells us, the press and anybody else that will take him seriously, that the hypothetical plaintiff, if they can find one to appear in public, might have some kind of a fracking chance, anyhow. Which curiously does not seem to square with what any other lawyers think. Or judges. Or most folks with IQ’s north of the ambient temperature of Maui.

How much will New York have to pay if the landowners win? How much indeed you may ask ? We have done some “back of the hand” numbers. There’s over 1 million acres of land represented by the JLCNY. If all of that land gets leased for a low average of $3,000 per acre, that’s $3 billion. (Some Idiot Savnts may not need an envelope for that.) Let’s further assume New York’s acreage would produce a very conservative 10 trillion cubic feet of natural gas over the next 20 years. At a 17.5% royalty and at today’s low low average market price of $3.50 Mcf, that’s another $6.1 billion for landowners, like the Clampetts. New York State’s proposed budget for the entire whole state for 2013 is $142.6 billion. Although it would be painful, the state won’t go bankrupt paying the big whopping judgment if they lose the case and we win. So no worries there. But they may die laughing when they read what Scott Frackoski has in store for them - in the words of the late great Carl Sagan, BILLIONS AND BILLIONS:

The first step in the JLCNY lawsuit is to locate representative landowners that can walk and chew gum at the same time. Carry a tune in a bucket. Make their mark. Then they’ll need money—lots of it, I mean a fracking boatload of the stuff —to complete the legal research as to what “a talkings” really is, pay the lawyers and armies of paralegals and spin doctors, and move the case to an exciting conclusion. Or even to file the damn thing at all. It won’t be short and it won’t be easy, but the rocketeers at the JLCNY are determined and they have tons smart people working on their behalf, including that semi pro shale shyster, Scott Frackoski ! (Feel better already, don’t you ?)

Is the lawsuit a certainty? Almost. Probably. Maybe. If a suitable plaintiff candidate can be found sooner or later. The concrete has been poured and is now starting to “set up” before it starts to vent methane. It is possible that if State Health Commissioner Nirav Shah gets off his rear-end and files his comments on the health aspects of the DEC’s work, that DEC Commissioner Joe “Doc” Martens may, as threatened:

(a) accept the SGEIS, even though we have no idea what it says, or what the frack it is based on, and print it so that those of us that can read, can read it, and then

(b) 10 days later issue a few initial permits for horizontal drilling and fracking —even without another public comment period, or any environmental review, without actual filing of HVHF well permit application on your property, payment of the application fee or any of that tomfoolery, or

(c) issue another cryptically misleading press release about the corned beef hash he’s made of all this, then run back down into the fracking bunker

It’s very much a long shot and not likely to happen, but it is still possible, if we all wish real hard. If that scenario were to happen, it might obviate the need for the JLCNY “talkings” lawsuit, which is not entirely obvious, even to us, or others, including folks that understand how these things work. However, the JLCNY has lost faith in Martens, Gov. Cuomo, and in the Fracking Tooth Fairy, but not in the almighty power of BS, and will now file the lawsuit as soon as they can find plaintiffs that can make their mark, and only speak when spoken to, for whom they will continue to beat the bushes for high and low, night a day, in and out, until they find what they really really need: a plaintiff for yet another frackingly frivolous publicity stunt. And possible movie deal with a tedious leprechaun.

Want to be play your part in this farce ? Call producer, director, star Scott Frackoski today. You’ll be glad you did. Call 1 888 SHALE SHYSTER

Live the JLCNY Motto: “If we all stick together, we will get stuck.”