The NYDEC, in an unprecedented move, has launched a major new ad campaign in support of Home Rule. Spokesperson Emo DeSallis had this to say, “We wanted to reassure New York residents that our new regulations will protect you if you live in New York City and drink bottled water. Otherwise, you’re pretty much fracked . . . without Home Rule.”
“Since it is not the mission of Mineral Resources to actually protect buildings, school yards, water supplies or people, Home Rule may be the only option for town boards with IQs north of room temperature,” said deSallis in a moment of uncharacteristic candor. “Here are some examples of land uses that the new fracking regulations do not protect: school yards, public parks, play grounds, golf courses, tennis courts, marinas, organic farms, non-organic farms, factories, hotels, motels, car dealerships, office buildings, shopping centers, warehouses, water storage tanks, gasoline storage tanks, gas stations, nuclear power plants, non-nuclear power plants, day-care centers, school buildings, out patient hospitals, dairy farms, barns, food storage facilities, and grocery stores.”
A reported interrupted, “That sounds like almost everything except a house or an auditorium. . . ”
Stifling laughter, “You noticed ?” deSallis continued, “. . . or anyone that relies on a public water supply outside of New York City or that drinks from most aquifers in the state.”
deSallis coughed, adding, “Or anyone that drinks water from a well that is less than 3,000 feet away from a shale gas well. And uh,that’s about it.” deSallis then concluded, “Plus of course anyone that lives around a lake. Or a state park or state forest. They aren’t protected either.”
“That sounds like most people in Upstate,” said a reporter from the back of the room.
“Not me,” smiled deSallis. “I live in Albany. Fracking’s banned.”